My head is really sore tonight. I am not stressed about what is happening which is actually kind of weird, nor have I cried yet. I mean, I am watching my mom die slowly. I just don't want her in pain. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. She has been with me day in and day out for 4 years straight and we hung out a lot together for years before that. I don't know exactly what I will do without her, but I know I have a lot to figure out. I just don't know right now, now that it is facing me. I have called my older brother to ask if he can come now, but he didn't answer the phone (as usual - he rarely answers his phone, especially if it is me). I think he should come now and not wait until summer because I don't expect Mom to be here at the end of the summer. I could be wrong and she could rally! I pray she does, I am not ready for this. Not one bit. I hope to sleep well tonight or at least as well as I can. I don't want to ache more on top of all this.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mom isn't doing as well as she did yesterday. I don't know if it is because she was all alone all day (I was in Lansing for the day so I didn't arrive until 5:00 pm) or just a regular bad day for her. She didn't eat or drink very much. Thank goodness she has an IV! That keeps her hydrated. She doesn't appear to be in pain so I am very happy about that. We didn't stay long as I have a bad headache tonight. I will be heading to bed early. Two nights without much sleep are creeping up on me. I have to get up early again tomorrow because of my blood test at 11:00 am. Yuck! I wish I could reschedule but it is too late for that. I will go and get it down and then it will be over for 2 weeks or perhaps a month. We shall see. Mom should be going to a rehab hospital for a couple weeks after she leaves the hospital which could be in a couple of days depending on how she is doing. Basically, the bottom line is this is the beginning of her end. I can't believe it, I am not ready for it, but from what I have read (and I have read a lot about this disease) she is nearing the end. The plan is to bring her home, but I don't know for how long. It is a wait and see. I will be moving a bed into the living room for her because I don't expect her to be too mobile. I will be getting her a couple of nightgowns to wear because they will be easier for her to wear than pants. I am not happy about this, but I have been expecting it since she first stopped eating properly last February. I guess I can forget about bringing her to Chicago for the competition, we won't be attending. My goal is to make sure her last few months or weeks or whatever are comfortable and pleasant for her. She won't really know where she is so I am not worried about her being upset that she isn't at home. Mom was upset when she didn't know where I was this afternoon because she is used to me being with her at all times. After a few minutes, she was fine. She did cry tonight when I left so I kissed her, told her I loved her, and left the room. Tillie changed the subject to get her to stop crying and then left also.