It is very strange to be reading things I wrote starting from May 2009 to December 2009. The things I was worried about. Mom was the biggest worry and so was pain. My left shoulder and arm were so bad at that point, now they hurt every now again, but I still can't lift my arm up over my head very well. I am so used to it that it doesn't matter. It was weird because at one point in July of 2009 I commented that I thought I may have a year left with Mom living at home before I may have had to place her. Strange to think that in reality I had 1 year and 3 months left of her being here at all. I also think we did see a lot of movies that summer and out to eat a lot. I at least can smile over that. I also wrote about family wanting us to move to Canada, wow, has that not changed at all? I am glad that I did decide not to move as I do really like where I live. I have a nice house with a good size yard. I have everything I need in the house including some guest rooms now. My living room is perfect for teaching and the family room will be perfect for sewing/crafts with a TV/library on the other side. I love the neighborhood and the town I live in. I think it is very pretty and everything is very convenient for me. My church is nearby and friends are near too. It was not obvious to me at that time how some of the issues Mom and I had with her health back then would totally haunt her. I was reading how one day at Tim Horton's, Mom choked trying to eat her donut. It is amazing because swallowing was the issue we had when she passed away. I did smile at some of the things Mom and I would do. We would go for a walk (well, I would be on my scooter) almost every day that summer and fall. She loved being out doors, she was definitely an outdoors girl. When I was small, she would try to encourage me to play outside more but I just liked being inside better. In order to get me out of the house to play, she would take my books or dolls or barbies and put them outside. She would then tell me they couldn't come in until she said so. I still am an indoors girl to this day. I do try to go outside for a bit everyday because I know fresh air is important, but given a choice, I would choose the inside.
I did talk about my pain much more in 2009 than I do now. I guess I am more used to it or I have better medicine or the combination of both. It is hard to say what is really the change. Maybe I just know it is there all the time that I don't need to say it. I don't know and it doesn't matter why. I am glad that some days I can read stuff about me and Mom and it not be painful or as painful. I know that I am going to miss her forever, but someday it will be a bit more bearable. There are days that it is a bit more bearable than it used to be but overall, I am getting through this day by day and with bad days, moment by moment. I talk to her a lot at night. When I write in my private journal, I write it to her. It makes me feel closer to her. Mom and I were good friends as well as mother and daughter. I am glad of that. So many I know just aren't that lucky with a Mom like I had. I think it our friendship that I miss the most. We loved going to movies together, out to dinners together, playing games, or just hanging out together. I am thankful that I have good friends and family to help me muddle through this thing called mourning. Thank you to all my friends and family members.