Saturday, August 13, 2011

what is a family?

I have been wondering about that lately.  What makes a family?  Being related to each other, sharing parents, or grandparents, or friends?  There are a lot of people that I am related too.  I have a good size extended family.  I think my little family, the one with Mom and my brothers, separated when we lost Mom.  One brother isn't speaking to me at all and I am not allowed to get in contact with him, and the other, I hear from so infrequently, I wonder if he even remembers I exist at times.  When Mom was here I felt like I had a little family, now I wonder who is my family.  I have friends I am very close to and I feel more like a family with them.  Do you have to be related or adopted to be a family?  I don't think so.  I think at this point my little family are my close friends.  I still have an extended family, but I am closer to my friends than I am to most of them, not all, just most.  I mean, I like most of my relatives, I get alone well with most of them, but sometimes I am so alone when I am with them at family gatherings.  At my and Darrin's birthday party, I felt so alone and I was sitting among my relatives!  Yet, I still felt so alone.  I felt that way at the Christmas Dinner too.  Yet, when I was at Kathy's parents house for Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Easter, I felt like part of a family.  Yes, Kathy is my best friend and we have been friends for 40 years so I have known her parents for a very long time and they are very welcoming, does that make a difference?  I didn't feel lonely when I was with them and with my family I feel alone.  It is very weird to me so it has made me wonder, what makes a family?  I feel close to some of my cousins and not close to others.  It is just something that I have been feeling since I lost Momma.  I think I have just been lost myself without her.  I think my identity and my purpose, at times, was caught up in with my mother. I was her caregiver as well as her daughter and I was proud to be.  I am proud that I was able to keep her here at home and not had to place her in a home.  I know how lucky I was, I really do and I do NOT take that for granted.  Now I am redefining my life.  I am still a teacher and I love teaching.  I have loved teaching since I started.  Mom was so proud that I was a teacher.  She wanted so badly to be one herself. Finally, about 10 years ago when Mom and I were talking about it I was able to point out that she was a teacher, that is what she did in the army as well as other jobs.  She was also our brownie leader, den mother, and all things with scouts.  I just followed in her footsteps in a way.

Pain level is normal today as well as the head.  This last week the head hasn't been super bad, but it was for a few weeks at the end of July.  I was lucky if I was able to teach and then I had to be lying down because my head felt like it was going to fall off.  It has been a tiring day.  I have been so exhausted today.  I do hope to sleep well, for me, tonight.  I have 1 lesson tomorrow and I have 8 lessons on Monday.  I need to be well rested for those lessons. 

I do hope you had a good day too.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post and must admit I struggle with the same issues. When my parents were alive I had the most wonderful relationship with them and my siblings...every holiday together, lots of seeing/talking to each, I'm like you. I have a sister that won't talk to me and refuses to tell me why and my brothers are off doing their own things and can't be bothered. It makes me sad mostly because my children miss out on extended family. I don't know the answer but I do know I feel so much love when I am around friends. They have chosen to have me in their lives and are happy that I am around..I don't get that from family anymore.
    I hope you get some rest and relief tonight...take care.