Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

I had a rough night last night.  I haven't had too many, but last night was definitely one of them.  After having a really good day with Lily, it was a quiet evening but that was okay.  I made myself a nice dinner.  I had cooked turkey drumsticks in the crock pot.  They were really yummy.  I was okay until right before I went to bed.  All of a sudden I was crying and missing Momma.  I miss her all the time but this was worse than the usual missing of Mom.  My chest was sore too from missing her.  That happens to me sometimes.  My fibro flares up when I miss her a lot or am crying too much from missing her.  I thought I had calmed down enough to go to bed since it was bed time, but once I got back into bed, I cried hard again.  So then I came back downstairs because I knew I wouldn't sleep.  I turned the computer on to see who was on line.  I emailed my brother, who did email me back this morning, with the worst thing ever, I asked him what he does when he is missing Mom a lot.  He told me to go smoke a phat one.  That is not funny especially since I was seriously asking him.  I was not trying to be funny at all.  I was extremely upset and crying really hard, and that is his answer?  Yeah, I won't be bothering him anymore.  I emailed Kathy and that helped.  I tried to call Richard but he didn't answer.  He hasn't called me back either so he must not of listened to the message.  Then I remembered Delphine from the hospice place told me that I could write Mom a letter.  So I did and that helped me calm down enough to go to sleep.  By the time I finished I wasn't crying anymore and was completely exhausted and sore.  My whole body ached from that one.

I am spending today and tomorrow with Kathy so I won't be alone too much.  I had other places I could have gone, but I just didn't want to drive that far and I wanted to be with Kathy.  She is very sympathetic.  She just listens and then helps me calm down which is very helpful, she doesn't give useless answers either.  I will see her sometime today and she will call when she is in town because I don't know what time we are going to church tonight.  After church we are going to her parents house to open presents.  I have a few to wrap still.  I will do it before we go to church.  I am ready to go all I have to do is change pants and then I am ready for church.

It seems very weird to be having Christmas without Momma.  I have never had one without her but this year I am.  I have had Christmases away from my brothers so that doesn't seem weird, but never one without Mom.  I was always with her on this holiday.  It was weird not to buy her a present or finish the one I was making for her.  I have put it away.  I don't know if I will ever finish it or not, but I have it if I want to finish it.  It is in the family room somewhere.  I am trying to be strong this holiday and not break down too much.  I mean, Momma should be having the coolest and best holiday ever because she gets to celebrate Jesus' birthday with him.  Nothing better than that.  I will be with people who love me and whom I love so that is good too.  I hope to see my Uncle sometime this holiday season.  I am planning to call him today, I am not sure if he is home or not.  I will leave a message if he isn't.

I do hope you have a good Christmas and that it brings you joy and happiness too.

1 comment:

  1. My first Christmas without Mom was like yours last night. Just cry and let it all out. Afterwards, I always feel better. I ordered a "memory book" from Shutterfly and it came a day before yesterday just packed with pictures I had chosen of my mom. Now when I miss her, I look at that book and remember back to when the pics were taken and it makes me feel calmer, better.
    Merry Christmas to you, Heather. I hope you have a great Holiday...and remember, Jesus is the reason for the season!!! :0)