Wednesday, December 1, 2010

1st of December

Hard to believe that December is here.  I think I have read that a lot today and it is true!  These last 6 1/2 weeks have been in a daze with some moments of clarity.  I miss mom a lot, but sometimes she seems like a dream I had.  I do know I had her because I wouldn't be here without her, but sometimes is seems so far away since I last saw her.  I want her back, I didn't want her to go, but I believe it was her time.  I am glad she didn't suffer, although I don't understand how because she had no food or drink for 9 days but I have been assured she didn't suffer at all with that.  She was in some pain occasionally which they took care of, not always as quickly as I would have liked, but it was taken care of.  I can still see her lying in that bed in the hospital.  I think a part of me always will as that was the last time I saw her.  She looked so small and tiny in that bed, but she was peacefully sleeping most of the time.

This month will have a bittersweet taste to me, I think, because Mom loved December and all the joy of Christmas.  At first, I didn't want to decorate at all and then i thought, that isn't very good because Mom would want me to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  So I am decorating, perhaps not as wildly as I would have with the little lady here, but Lily, Julie, and I are going to do some.  It will be good because the house will look festive for the season.

I haven't heard from Richard about the holidays so I don't really know what is going on with that.  I have made alternative plans if necessary.  I have places to go if I don't go out west, although I really want to go.  I miss my brother a lot.  I miss Andrew too, but I see him about once a month whereas Richard I don't.  First time I saw him in 2 1/2 years was at Momma's funeral and it wasn't like we could be happy about that.  We chatted, true, I got to hug him, true, but it isn't the same and I haven't seen his family in 2 1/2 years.  That hurts me because I am rather attached to his children.  I simply adore them.

I went to the lawyer's today and got some answers to some questions.  I also have some more paperwork to turn in.  Ugh, I thought I had it all but I don't.  Oops.  I also have to remember to go to Secretary of State to take care of the title to my car before I fax it too them.  I now own it as I paid it off last summer and the title needs to reflect that.  I will be able to keep the house and not turn it in to the bankruptcy so that is a relief.  That bill will not be discharged, but that is okay by me, I keep the house, the important thing.

Things are beginning to smooth out for me.  I have the webinar tonight with the new teaching company. I do hope I get a lot of students.  I understand they are cautious at first, but I need the students, not just for the money either, for the time it will spend and it is what I love to do.  I love teaching.  I think I am going to look into writing too.  I am not sure.  I have some things starting to go around in my head that might be good.  I don't know.  Right now, my head swims most of the time with worries and panics, at least I have not had a panic attack since Mom died.  I actually have not had one for about a year now so I am doing well with that.

It is snowing today and looking pretty (because it isn't sticking to the ground, it is just flurries).  It is also cold here.  I am actually cold right now.  I need to go get my hoodie and put it on so I won't be chilled.  I have a sweatshirt on but I am still cold.  Pain level is normal, my head is a bit more painful than normal but I think a pain pill will take care of that.

I hope you are having a good day.


  1. Dear Heather, I hope you can see your brother, Richard. I hope you can spend the holidays with him. My grandma is coming next week to spend the holidays with me and the family. We are soooo excited! I hope you get everything you've had a rough month with your mom passing away. I remember my mom in the hospital, in the ER because they had to bed yet in the ICU, and she was really uncomfortable in the stretcher. They didn't take care of her pain right away, I had to ask a couple of times for medication for her. But on the most part, she was treated right and we did everything for her, but it just wasn't enough. For some reason, God decided it was time for her to leave. I am no longer mad at God. He is with her and your mom and they are having fun!!! Just keep thinking like that and it will help.
    Gentle hugs to ya!

  2. It's hard to loose a parent no matter how old you are. My mom has been gone 7 years and I still want to ask her things. It does get better as time goes on. Once the BR is in the works you will start to have some peace. God will bless you.

  3. Will enjoy hearing about the webinar for your new job Heather. Glad you will decorate for Christmas...may lift your spirits during the day. I'm sorry you are having head pain. My head always hurts but when it increases, for me, I need to either lay down or recline in my chair. It's a signal that I need to rest. To bad thee is add'l paperwork for the lawyer. Must be almost done by now! I love watching the snow, especially when I can tell it will NOT be causing traffic problems. Have a good night!

  4. Thank you for your sweet comment! I hope you can make it to see your brother. You need the comfort of family!! Good friends are a close second. :-)