Monday, December 13, 2010

Who let winter in?

It is super cold out today.  I went out earlier today to the Hospice office.  I had a meeting with Delphine, the Grief Counselor.  I haven't been able to make any of the support groups stuff because it is usually at night when I am teaching.  I wanted to meet with her because I wanted to know if there was something else I should be doing.  Apparently I am grieving normally, contrary to certain relatives opinions, I am doing just fine which is what most people say when the see me.  I did cry a bit in the meeting, we met for 1 1/2 hours.  It was nice to learn that what I was doing was healthy and it is different for each person.  I do have a personal journal that no one but me reads, that I write in almost daily.  There is where I often ask the most often question of why.  My head knows that mom is much better off, but my head also knows that I am not better off.  Mom and I were a team and no the team is no more.  It was nice to talk to someone about some of the stuff I am feeling and thinking and learning ways to make me go through the process more.  We are going to meet again in January.  There are days where I don't feel I am adjusting to life on my own as well as I want.  I miss her all the time, which is to be expected as we were together most of the time.  I have some guilt issues that I need to let go.  I am not very good at things like that.  I think back to the times I was short with her, or thinking not so nice thoughts, then there was the time I swore at her (I don't use words like that pretty much ever, but that day I did and it was a doozy of a word).  I should have been more patient with her, but I wasn't.  I called her mean and then I swore at her.  First time I have ever sworn at my mother (outside of the time when I was 8 and said the "s" word to her about food).  I need to let those things go and I am working on it.  Okay, everyone else thinks it is pretty funny that I swore a really bad word at her, but I just don't find it funny.  One person said she didn't even know I knew those words or how to use them.  Of course I have heard them before, I just choose not to use them.

Overall, it has been a huge pain day and a big tear day.  Pain level is pretty high, partly due to the crying a lot, and the rest due to the fact it is so cold here today.  It is like freezing!  I think with the wind chill, it has got to be single digits or lower.  It is just super cold old.  I, of course, have the little heater on and that is helping.  It blows warm air but not too hot, which is good.  It is just right.  I have moved it a little closer to me than the kitchen counter because I couldn't really feel it when it was on the counter, now I can.

We are having a snow day today, so all the little ones are at home.  The roads are a bit icy, you must drive carefully, but that is too be expected with this time of year.  Bob has rescheduled to Wednesday, which works for me, and the B-T children will be here regular time.  I am glad about that.  I need some distraction with this pain and with the sadness today.

Overall, I would have to say today is not one of my best days.  I have been crying on and off all day, since I went to the meeting, and I ache all over.  I do hope your day is much better than mine, it is just not my day.  I plan to go to bed early and be done with it as soon as I possible can, I only hope tomorrow is a better day overall.  I don't like all this pain and sadness that I am feeling today.


  1. Sorry you had a rough day:( It is FREEZING where I live too!! It is SO windy which of course makes it ten times worse. I hope you rest well and have a better day tomorrow:)

  2. so lucky you don't have to go to school tomorrow ON ICE! ugh.. they didn't call.
    oh well i must live....