Friday, December 10, 2010

projects in the making

I just read a blog that has gotten me thinking.  I can feel the wheels a turnin' in my head.  You see, I have been missing mom so much today.  It is just one of those days where I miss her so much and my chest hurts from it.  Well, I read a blog I regularly read and she is a wonderful woman who's passion in the orphan.  She has 4 biological children and 6 adopted children who were orphans.  When I was in my early 30s, Mom and I sat down and had a deep discussion about how I wanted children.  I wanted to be a mom so badly.  It had been a dream for so many years.  I wanted to be a mom.  The thing is, I wanted to adopt all my children so we were discussing about how to begin this process of me adopting a child.  I knew there would be waiting lists and I knew each country had their own rules and regulations, but that was okay.  We were embarking on a new adventure and Mom was in the thick of it with me.  It didn't appear that I would be getting married anytime soon.  My illnesses were under control and the pain level was tolerable plus back then, I could walk for miles without a problem.  So I got ready to contact the people, we chose the agency, we chose the country and we were getting ready for the paperwork and inspections and all those type things, when, wham!  I got hit with the vasculitis.  The vasculitis did eventually leave my body, but it aggravated the Fibro to intolerable pain and out of control symptoms, plus, I could no longer walk well.  Let me just say, that vasculitis had pretty much killed my dream of adoption because nobody in their right mind would possibly pass me for any type of inspection, I was too sick.  Then I got the blood clot.  Well, that finished off my dream because I was told by the doctor, there is no possible way I could ever carry a baby full term.  Now, this really upset me, although since I always wanted to adopt it puzzled me, but at that point all roads closed.  I am glad now that we didn't adopt any children because I am not healthy enough to take care of them and Mom got sick too and she needed care.  Even adopting an older child would be doing a disservice to them.  I can't be the kind of mom I wanted to be.  However, this wonderful woman is starting a ministry to help raise money to help other families adopt orphans from around the world.  Well, that I can help with and even though I can't have the children myself, they still are deserving a home and parents as well.  I am waiting to hear more of her ministry.  I don't know if she is going to partner with an already formed group or start her own, either way, I have crafts that I can donate and some that need to be finished that can be donated for selling.  Just a wonderful way to still help children that need a forever home.  Even when one dream ends, God sends another in its place.  I honestly feel that if I had the family I wanted, I wouldn't have been able to take care of Mom as well as she needed.  Because I didn't have other responsibilities I could focus on Mom who so needed me.  He had a plan all the time I was disappointed, I just didn't know what it was at that point just like right now I don't know his plan, but I am praying he reveals it too me soon.  i am anxiously awaiting my new purpose in life because right now, I don't feel I have one.  My purposes are gone at this moment, but I know there has to be one soon.

Like I said, until I read that I was having a sad day.  These, I have noticed, tend to come on days I don't have much planned to do.  I don't know if that is the problem, but I do know I have too much time on my hands some days and that sets my mind wondering towards missing Mom.  I do have some things I need to do by the end of next week but today the pain level is a bit high so I am not working too hard on them.  I did go to the secretary of state and fix my title, and to cancel Mom's state ID card.  That is finally finished.  I just have to copy a few more papers and then turn them in and poof!  My bankruptcy stuff will be finished outside of paying the actual fee.  They will let me know when that time is.  I plan to have the stuff copied by Wednesday so that Thursday I can drop them off.

I plan to bake some slice and bake cookies tonight for the concert on Sunday.  I will also be making the program tonight or tomorrow.  I just can't seem to remember what everyone is playing so I will have to face book a few people and make a few calls asking.  What can I say?  I forgot to write them down.  I don't have the teaching notebook I used to have when I had a lot of students.  I do need to get one for next year so I don't forget as much as I have been.  It hasn't gotten to the point of students noticing, but as I am hoping for more students, it could get to that point and I don't want it too.

2 weeks until Christmas.  I have all the presents bought now.  I ended up buying my students their gifts as I was unable to make them anything this year.  Maybe next year I will be able to make them something.  Just was really unable to do anything for the entire month of November, December is much better.  I still feel like I am walking in mud a lot, although the tears have slowed down.  The ache inside isn't as overwhelming most of the time.  It was this morning until I read the post and it made me realize how lucky I was to have a Mom like mine.  So many children don't have any moms or dads and that is just awful.  At least I had a great Mom, and she was.  I think all of you would have loved her too.  She simply was the best in the world.  To me, she was everything and my best pal.  We did everything together.  yes, I spent time with my friends too, but we had fun when we were together.  The post made me again realize how lucky we really were to have her as a mom and not a different person.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was and that makes me sad too because they don't have the mom I had.  Some of these orphans live on the street, I can't even imagine that.  So I am hoping this new idea my blogging friend has, will help many of them find forever families.

The day has improved since I first got up and went to the secretary of state by myself for the first time.  I do hope yours is going well and that your weekend will be good too.  I hope the pain level goes down, it is a bit high, oh shoot, I just remembered, I forgot to take my morning pain pill, could explain why the pain is so high!  Silly me!  I hope your pain, if you have any, is not high today.

1 comment:

  1. Heather, this is a wonderful post..things in our lives do happen for a reason..i am happy that you are realizing what your place in this world are a wonderful lady, and gracious friend. Not everyone is cut out to be a mom, its a really, really tough job. I only had two because I knew that was all I could handle..its THAT hard. and it doesn't end when they turn 18 either, its a lifetime job, but a treasured job as you saw in your mom daily.
    No point to this I guess but I wanted to let you now that I admire you and an so glad you are my friend:)