meeting for tea

I met Donna this afternoon for tea at the local borders music and book store.  It was fun.  We were there for about 2 hours before we both started getting a bit tired and had to leave.  It is nice to see her out of the house and out and about.  She had spine surgery last spring and has been recovering ever since.  She is doing pretty amazingly well.  I hope it continues for her.

Today is Halloween.  I am just not into Halloween.  I don't particularly like this holiday.  It isn't like it was when we were small.  I don't do scary very well.  I get nightmares pretty easy and so I tend to shy away from scary stuff.  Normally I would have bought candy this week and Mom would pass it out but this year I am hiding in the house, maybe taking a nap as I am so tired today.  I slept in too but I feel like I could go to sleep some more right now.  Maybe I will go and take a nap.  Hm, I think I will.  More later.

I am back.  I went and took a nap, I just couldn't stay awake anymore.  It is now trick or treating time and I am in the dining room with only the kitchen light on.  Kind of weird being in the dark, but I don't want to turn lights on and have people think I am home or passing out candy.  Kids are definitely out.  I hope no one comes to my door because I won't answer it.  Maybe I should have bought some candy, but I really don't like Halloween, that was Mom's holiday.

Thanksgiving will be next.  I am unsure on whether or not I will cook a dinner or go to someone's house for it.  I will wait and see how it goes.  Kathy thinks I can go to her parents, she is checking for me.  With Richard and I being the only family in USA, all our relatives already had their Thanksgiving earlier this month.

I have been on my own now for 2 days without someone staying the night.  Make that 3 days because Friday night I was alone too.  I think I am doing alright, not great, but okay.  Maia will be here briefly tomorrow and Tillie will be here on Tuesday.  The garage looks good and mostly empty.  My room is partly organized, not completely yet.  I have to find a box for some of the original teaching CDs.  I have a big container for most of them, but not all the new ones fit in it so I need another.  Maybe Tuesday I will go and get one.

I have to work on Calli's Christmas music.  I almost forgot all about that.  Her lesson is tomorrow and I need to arrange her Christmas piano piece because it is too hard, and make an accompaniment to her vocal piece.  Glad I thought of that now and not tomorrow.  I should have been doing this on Tuesday last week when I was home.

I am going to hang a blanket at the downstairs hallway.  I have to get some tacks so that I can hang it.  I am going to block off the downstairs so the heat stays more upstairs than downstairs.  Also, I don't use the family room right now, so I am not going to heat it.  It will help on the heating bill this winter.  Next week I am going to look at the state of my finances so I will know how long I can stay in the house without a job.  I am hoping to have a job by Christmas so that I won't have to worry about finances.  I will be calling my social worker tomorrow and I have to find my ticket to work info from disability.  Each may have a program that will help me.  It is very scary not knowing what is going to happen and I have never been in this position before, so I am a bit scared of it.  I do know that something will work out and I won't be homeless or starving.  I don't know what there is out there for disabled people as far as housing issues are and stuff like that but that is my job this week is to figure it out.  I will, I have people who will be helping me.  I need to also call Richard's friend, Dave, because he may be able to help me out to.  I will take what help I can get at this point because I am in uncharted waters so to speak.



Well, try to have a good Halloween.  I am having a better day.  I hope the weather man is wrong and the white stuff stays away for a bit longer.  I think it is time to pull out the old winter jacket.  Ugh, that time of year again!  So, stay warm and Happy Halloween!

last goodbye

Today was the day we buried Mom's ashes in the cemetery in Chatham, Ontario, Canada.  Most of my cousins and my 2 uncles were there.  Andrew was there too.  Tillie had brought the ashes over Thursday thinking I would spend the night last night and then leave from there.  Well, I ended up staying home and leaving from here.  I am very tired today as I got up at 7 am and we all know how that is just the middle of the night to me.  I am a 10 to 12 get up girl.  It was a quick service.  Andrew and Tillie spoke, I couldn't.  I was just too upset.  It seems like I have said goodbye to Mom for so long now.  I can't believe it is over.  Our house is so quiet.  She wasn't very noisy but she was here.  I could feel her in the house.  Now I don't feel her in our house anymore.  I did the week she was in the hospital, but I don't know.  Sometimes I am lonely, sometimes I am not.  I have never really felt lonely before except for the few times as a teenager as many teenagers do.  It is weird to me to think I can go to sleep anytime I want and that I can get up at anytime that I want.  I have much work planned for the week.  Monday, I have either 7 or 4 lessons depending on the Muglia schedule.  Because it is the 1st, sometimes we wait until the 8th.  Whatever works for them, works for me.  Tuesday, I am meeting with Mom's lawyer to go over the trust.  Wednesday, I am going to Job Works and see what is available for me as far as programs go, being disabled, there might be something for me.  I also have a lesson on Tuesday.  Thursday is my tummy doctor's appointment check up.  I go every 3 months to make sure the medicine is working well.  Friday, I have nothing concrete planned.  Saturday, I hope to have a lesson and perhaps Sunday too.  I don't have any concrete plans for tomorrow except for hiding during trick or treat time.  Mom was big on passing out candy and I am just not up for it this year.  If Mom were here, then we would, but since she is gone, I am going to hide.

I am going to dinner with the Emertons.  I have to remember to bring the pictures.  Lily and Emily will giggle a lot at them.  I did.  I can't believe how big my hair got.  Oh well, it was the style.

I hope this finds you doing well.  Overall, I would say I am doing better than last week and definitely better than yesterday.  I still miss Mom a lot, and I expect I will for a while.  She was such a big part of my life.  I know that she would be so disappointed in me if I just shrivel up and hide from the world.  She wanted me to have a good life and I will, just will take some time to get that way.  I want to thank all my bloggy friends for the support you have given me the last few difficult weeks.  I have never lost anyone so close to me before and I am glad I have friends who support and care about me.  It makes everything so much easier.  I really appreciate all the comments I have gotten.  Thank you!

missing

I am missing Mom a lot right now.  Tomorrow we have to go and bury her ashes in Canada.  I want my mom back right now.  I don't want to bury her, I want her with me.  I am not feeling very strong right now.

back from K-zoo

I went to Kalamazoo for a few days to see Kathy and her family.  It was a lot of fun.  Tomorrow is the service at the cemetery where Mom's ashes are going to be buried.  I am not looking forward to that.  I am tired and kind of cranky right now.  When I left, Tillie and Maia were still here and they turned off the heat, which is fine, but they forgot to turn it back on!  Oh my!  It is like so cold in here right now.  I turned it back on that is for sure.  Thank goodness it didn't get too cold at night or I would have been in big trouble. I am glad I came home instead of going straight to Windsor as it is supposed to get super cold tonight.  I know I get colder than everyone else, that is for sure but heat must be turned back on.

I bought me 2 hoodies in Kalamazoo.  I have a cute blue one and a cute gray one, they aren't pink like I wanted, but I will be just fine with these.  I have other hoodies, but the problem is they belong to other outfits and well, they have to be worn with those outfits or eventually one part of the outfit will fade before the other and I don't want that to happen.  They are quite cute outfits and I love them.

Kathy's youngest son, Jacob, turned 9 on Wednesday so I got to be there for the birthday dinner and cake and ice cream!  How cool was that?  I was pretty excited about that.  I saw the twins put their Halloween costumes on in time for the preschool party.  Alicia was Ariel and Samantha was Belle.  Both girls looked really adorable.  I will be changing the picture on my phone to them so when their Mom calls, the picture will pop up.

I haven't heard anything more about the 2 new potential students.  The one lady who called said she was going to call about 6 other people and then let me know.  That can take a few days.  The email, I haven't heard back from either, so I am still hopeful about that.

Well, that is about it for the day.  My head is sore because of the long drive by myself.  I definitely prefer driving with someone else in the car.  Not fun driving by oneself.  Not fun at all.  I tried not to remember the last time I drove out that way was when Mom and I went to Kalamazoo this summer to see Kathy and family.  We had such a good time and Mom did so good during that whole trip.  She slept nicely in the hotel, she was chatting away, and then playing with the girls.  It was just fun.  I try not to think about her all the time but it is so hard right now.  She is always with me.  I miss her so much, and tomorrow will be difficult but somehow I will muddle through and then come home and rest.  I am so tired today too, just completely exhausted.  I was supposed to go and spend the night in Windsor, but I am so exhausted, I think I am turning in extremely early and then get up super early.  I will be in Windsor by 8 am to leave for the cemetery.  I think that is what I am going to do.  I have to get my stuff out of the car now.

I hope this finds you having a good day.

Keeping Faith

Today I was reading one of the blogs I read, and it hit me.  I have to let this money situation go and let God take care of it.  That is what I believe, so now is the time to act upon it.  I am praying.  I know somehow the financial situation will work out and I will be living where I am supposed to be.  Today, I am more hopeful.  Mom is also watching out for me.  I know she is.  It is a bit easier right now for me.  Earlier in the doctor office it was hard because it was the first time since Mom died that I had been in there and the nurses all wanted to let me know how sorry they were.  I was thankful.  So many people have been so kind to me.  I miss her all the time.  How could I not?  She was my whole life for the last few years, and before that she came with me to my store everyday.  Yup, everyday, the little Mom would get up and get ready to go to work with me.  It was awesome.  Some days she would help a bit, but others she would sit and talk to the students or the customers or just do her puzzle books.  Everyone loved her especially the little ones.  She was very friendly to everyone.  She grieved with me when the economy took my beloved store.  But once again, God provides.  He showed me a way to pay our bills.  He showed me He wanted me to take care of Mom.  We may have been late on some bills, but not very often.  He provided.  I can see that now.  Now I need to trust Him again.

Many relatives will be at the burial on Saturday.  I hope to see them again afterward.  With the family so scattered, as many families are, it is important to get together.  The last time I saw all of them, before this past weekend, was Momma's party in March.  It was nice to see so many of them there.  Then we had the friend party, wow, so many of our friends and neighbors came to that too.  I am truly blessed to have the family and friends that I have.  I have been feeling much better this afternoon.  Mom is still with me.  I won't ever forget her, but she wanted me to go on even if she wasn't here.  That was her wish.  She told me so years ago when she first became ill.  She wanted me to be strong.  Well, I will be, because she will always be in my heart.

I received an email today from a woman who wants voice lessons and wanted to know if I taught adults. Well, I do.  Then, I received a phone call from a woman who wants piano lessons!  Talk about God's timing!  I do hope that I will soon have 2 more students.  I will also be looking for a job, but hey, if I get enough students, then that is the job.

It is raining and windy today here.  It down poured for a while this afternoon.  We are under a tornado watch in our area until about 6 pm.  I do hope it passes over us and no one gets hurt.  So far, tears are under control today.  It is definitely a better day than yesterday.  I hope your day is good too.

Monday

I am doing okay today.  I did almost break down a couple of times, but one was when someone called and asked to talk to Mom and the other was buying the thank you notes for the visitation and the funeral.  It is very strange to do errands without the little Momma with me.  I mean, up until summer, I took her everywhere with me.  She was always with me and has been for about 5 years so you can see why it is so strange for me.  I took the Deed to the house to the Registry of Deeds to change over the house from Mom to her trust.  I paid for the funeral and the meat for the church luncheon.  One more activity for us and then Mom will be resting in peace.  I have to pick up her ashes tomorrow.  That will seem very weird too because she will be in a small box.  I am glad I have company because it is creepy to have someone's ashes in the house I think.  I will be taking them across the border on Friday when I head to Tillie's for the night.  I am spending the night because I don't know how early I have to get up to get there on Saturday.  You never know with the border.  It could be a breeze or it could be an hour.  One just never knows.

Pain wise, I am doing okay.  My hips don't hurt so much at night anymore since I am not pulling Mom across the dining room and kitchen to the back bathroom nor am I struggling to get her upstairs.  I sleep a bit better when someone is in the house with me than I do when I am alone.  I know I will get used to it, but right now I am not.  Rare has been the time I have been alone at night in the house.  When I am by myself I leave the kitchen light on because it comforts me.  I don't feel so alone with the light on.  I have a night light in the bathroom now, I will see if that will be enough light for me when I am alone.

I have 4 lessons today, 2 for Calli, then Acer and Bob.  I am glad.  It gives me something to look forward to and something to do with my time.  I contacted a friend of mine who's place of work has some openings.  I will find out about hopefully tonight or sometime this week.

My friend, Donna, has assured me that the pain of losing Mom will get easier.  I sure hope so because right now it hurts a lot, more than my fibro pain.  I feel tears all the time just below the surface.  I can't get a job and be a wreck so I am hoping by next week or so I am a little better.  I just can't believe this happened now.  Deep down I have known all summer she was dying, but still, I thought I could be better prepared for the actuality of it.  I now know, I can't, no one can.  Even when it is expected, it still hurts so much.  I am thankful for the time we had together, even with the Alzheimer's.  I got to take care of her and I didn't have to miss spending time with her like my brothers did.  They missed out on a lot of stuff.  I was with her all day, everyday.  Like I said, she came everywhere with me.  She liked going out with me.  She loved going to lessons with me.  She loved music and sewing.  Listening to the students, no matter the level, made her smile and gave her enjoyment.  She loved going to the movies with me.  I loved having her with me, all the time, most of the time.  She would help me at competitions and at recitals with holding stuff for me or getting something ready for me so I could focus on the kids.  That was just Mom.  She had come to competition with me for 20 years of my students competing.  She simply loved going and I loved having her because she was so helpful and my companion.

I hope you are having a good day.  It is beautiful out.  A nice, lovely October day.  We all know what I wish, but I am hoping Mom is smiling down from Heaven enjoying the weather with me.

It is finished

The funeral for Mom was yesterday.  The minister did a really nice job although she only just met Mom.  She would have liked Mom had she been able to get to know her.   The luncheon was really nice too.  There were a lot of people there.  I was thankful.  The opening music was the Canadian National Anthem and as they brought Mom's casket down, I lost it.  It was so moving to me.  I composed myself and did better after that.  I even managed to sing (with Katie) pretty well so I was pleased I got through that nicely. I think Mom would have liked it a lot.  She would have not been happy about being the center of attention, but she would have liked the song I sang.  I sang "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.

I dropped Richard off today so he could go for another week of work.  I don't know how he is handling this because he keeps things to himself.  I was glad to finally see him after more than 2 years of not being able to see him.  He just called.  He arrived safely and is heading to the hotel to get ready for tomorrow's day of work.  I miss him already but not as much as mom.

It is very strange and quiet in the house.  Tillie is coming back over tonight to stay for a few days.  I am glad.  I don't want to be alone right now.  In a week or so it will be okay, but right now I cry at the drop of a hat it seems.  The quiet is so loud to me.  I look out the window and I hope that Mom is enjoying herself in Heaven.  I miss her so much.  I miss the woman she was and the woman she became with Alzheimer's.  It is very weird not having her to take care of.  I can go where I want, when I want.  Yet, I would give almost anything to have her back.  I know it is impossible, but I want her back right her where she belongs, with me.  We were a team, that's what I used to tell her.  She would smile at that.  I supposed I should be thankful she never got totally into stage 7.  She never lost her smile or her communication skills totally, but I am not, because she is gone.  I feel her around me and sometimes I talk to her.  I tell her I will be okay, even though the tears are right below the surface.  I cry very easy today.  I hope that eventually goes away because you can't go through life with tears all the time.

I am going to be working on my list of things to do.  I have so much that has to be done.  First thing tomorrow I have some errands to run.  I have 4 lessons tomorrow that I am so grateful that I have.  I love teaching, it gives me such joy.  Mom enjoyed listening to the lessons too.  I will miss that.  There is so much that I will miss.  Still, I have so many memories to think of that will eventually make me smile.

I hope you had a good weekend.  It has been tough for me, but I did get through it, maybe not with flying colors, but I think Mom would have been happy with how well things went and how many people came to see her.

Viewing Day

Today is the viewing from 2 to 9.  I am kind of nervous about it because we don't know how many people will be coming.  I know some are, but I don't know how many or mostly who.  I only know about a few of them.  I hope Mom looks okay, I know they can't add extra pounds on her but I hope she looks okay.

I am picking up Richard in a few minutes.  I am going to leave a bit early so I can get some food along the way and make sure I am not late.  He arrives at 11:35.  I am very excited to see him.  I haven't physically seen him in 2 years.  I am bringing a book with me to read so I won't be bored waiting for him.  Well, I will be, but not as much with a book in hand.  Then we will head straight home and then to the viewing.  It will be a long day for me.  I have a bit of a headache right now which is probably not the best way to start the day.  It hurts more than the usual headache.  I will be taking medicine for it right before I leave.

Mom will have an open casket.  Yes, I know, some family members wanted it closed, but I want it open so it will be.  Everything is mostly my choice for Mom.  I picked out everything for her.  I planned everything for her tomorrow too.  It was a few of the last things I could do for her.

I am heading out now to go and pick up the big brother.

day before everything happens

Today will be another quiet day.  I don't have much to do today because everything happens tomorrow.  Tomorrow morning I go and pick up Richard then we race back to be back in time for the showing.  Then, of course, Saturday is the funeral at church.  They called today to ask if the menu was okay.  I said yes, it was fine, because 1 - it was fine and 2 - I don't really care about food right now.  Richard wants to talk to me on the way to the viewing.  Works for me as I haven't really talked to much to him in the last few months.  We have both been so busy, me with Mom and he with his family.  We do need to talk about my future.  It is looking a bit bleak after a few months, but I am not thinking about that right now.  I will deal with all that next week.  Maia is working on copying the slideshow she made of Mom onto DVDs right now.  Tillie is in the shower.  One of them is picking up Danielle tomorrow for the viewing and then Danielle will be going home with Tillie and coming back for the funeral on Saturday.

It is slowly sinking in that she is really gone.  It seems so impossible to me that just a couple of weeks ago she was perfectly fine (well, as perfect as someone gets with Alzheimer's) and now she is gone.  I had been expecting it, but still, when it happened it was a shock.  I want my Mom back.  I want her now.  Right now.  I know it isn't going to happen, but still I can wish even if the wish will not come true.

I think I will make cookies for dessert on Saturday.  I am not sure, we will see.  Maybe I will order a cake instead.  I don't know.  what is proper for these things?  I have never been in charge of one before so I don't know.

I wish this weekend was over already.  It is going to be really hard.

wednesday

The man from the hospital bed company is here removing the special hospital bed Mom had.  It was an air type bed to help heal her sores.  They never got worse while she slept in the bed, but since she couldn't eat, they didn't heal either.

I am alone right now for the first time since she died.  It seems so unreal at times to me because I have always lived with her.  When I was healthier and younger all my friends were having issues with their roommates and roommates boyfriends, so I didn't want to get into that situation.  I was able to just pay Mom rent and stay home.  Then when I could afford my own apartment, Mom became ill so I was needed to stay home with her.  I never minded, I mean, it isn't like she could tell me what to do or ground me or anything.  We were just roommates.  I liked living here.  The choice of an apartment over a house was not even thought of.  Our house had room to entertain if we wanted to, which we did when she was healthier a lot.  My friends would come over and we would play board games.  I love board games.  They are so much fun.  Mom and I were able to play board games up until about a year ago.  She loved moving everyone around on the board.  It was quite cute to see her do that.

The PowerPoint is finished.  Maia did a nice job with it.  The dress uniform is on mom's dressmaker form.  We had to get a different blouse because it got donated with the rest of mom's stuff in March.  If I had seen what they were doing I think a few more military stuff would not have been donated but they were and it is too late to get them back now.  I did try but they either went to a different store or they were put out a long time after they were donated.  I emailed the war museum in Ottawa, Ontario yesterday letting them know Mom has passed away so they can get her military record for them.  I am donating all Mom's military stuff to them.  They don't have a lot of post WWII on display so this will add to their displays plus Mom was one of the first women to become a major in all of Canada.  She was the first in Ontario.  I am so proud of what she accomplished while she was in the military there.  Although I remember as a child being afraid that Canada and the USA would go to war at each other and then we would be sent to concentration camps.  Amazing what children can fear isn't it?

It is a quiet day for me.  I plan to read and get some papers together to send to the State of Michigan.  I just don't plan to do much for the day right now.  It is beautiful out so I do plan to take my scooter and go for a walk after I get it together.  Mom loved going for walks so I am going to go for a scooter ride and remember all the good times we had going for walks.

plans

I have all the plans all ready.  There will be a viewing on Friday from 2 to 9 at the Gramer Funeral Home with the funeral service on Saturday at 11 am with a luncheon right after.  I think I am going to have Richard read the Eulogy.  I wrote one, but he can write his own, whatever he wants.  I am singing with Katie.  We are singing "You Raise Me Up", the Celtic Woman version.  It has a verse that we are both unfamiliar with, but it fits nicely with the song.  I didn't think I could sing alone and well, I didn't want to mess up either so Katie is singing with me.  I have called or face booked so many people that I lost count.  I have had people already tell me that they are coming either Friday or Saturday.  One of my cousins will be there Friday but not Saturday because she is planning to go to the burial which is close to her home.  It will be a nice service, I think she would be happy with it.  I hope so.  We have one of her military uniforms ready to be on display next to her.  We are working on getting a Canadian Flag to drape over her coffin like they do with American Flags.  All of the military stuff, except the pictures that I want, will be going to a museum in Ottawa, Ontario.  That is where the Military Museum is at.  I couldn't send her stuff a few years ago because they couldn't get a copy of her Military Record.  Now that she has passed they can.  I have to email them today.  I will do it in a few minutes.

I miss her a lot already although I am handling it okay.  I have my bad moments, like when Margaret, the No One Dies Alone volunteer, called to tell me that Mom passed quietly and without any pain.  She was with Mom at that time she died.  I was glad I was not with her because I don't think I could have handled it very well.  Mom wasn't alone and that is what matters.  Mom waited for me to go home for the night.  I was with her most of the day.  She slipped away 15 minutes after I left.

my lovely Mom

Mom passed sometime between 5 and 5:15 this evening.  I was at the hospital until about 10 to 5 and then went home.  I received the call at 5:15.  I have an appointment at 11 am for the funeral home.  I am not sure the exact date of everything until tomorrow.  It is hard to believe she is gone.  She will never walk through our front door again.  The good thing though, is that she doesn't have Alzheimer's anymore.  That is HISTORY.  She is healthy and happy and will be missed.  I hope to show some pictures soon of her so you can see what she looked like.  I miss her but I have been missing the woman she was for 2 years now. Now I will miss the woman she became.  She isn't scared all the time anymore.

sunday

I was at the Emertons today.  We created 3 picture boards of her this afternoon.  Looking at some of the pictures made Lily and Emily laugh.  Especially when they saw some of the hair styles I had.  Mom's were not too out of it, but mine were.  There is one picture board left for her military stuff.  Some of the certificates will be shrunk down so they will fit on the board.  If we need more we can get it.

I am getting used to being in the house alone.  I have been alone here since yesterday morning.  Tillie and Maia will be here tomorrow, Maia in the morning and Tillie in the afternoon.  There is some business for me and Mom that needs to be done in town that Tillie will take care of in the morning.  We all know how I am just not awake that early.  I will go see Mom in the afternoon for a while.  She was awake when I got there.  I talked to her and stroked her hair.  You can't really move her anymore because she is so stiff and it causes pain for her.  I don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands me telling her I love her.  That is all I can do right now.  I am very thankful for the chance to say goodbye because I know some of my friends didn't get the chance that I have to say that.  They didn't have the ability or opportunity to say how lucky they were to have a Mom like theirs, or in my case, mine.  I am lucky.  I am the luckiest girl in the world.  I had a great Mom and I told her everyday for the last two years how much I loved her.  I would say, "Did I tell you today how much I love you?"  Sometimes she would say yes, I did tell her and others she would say no, I didn't.  So I told her everyday.  I have been reassuring her that the boys love her too.  You never know how long you have on this earth, it is so important to say I love you.  It is so important because someday it could be too late.  My heart is still breaking but I know somehow, someday I will be okay and I will smile and laugh without the tears just under the surface.

I don't want anything done to the house right now.  I want to be able to smell her pillow with her scent on it.  Okay, I do need to wash the sheets and the blankets as they smell a bit, but not her pillow.  I don't want anything done to her room.  The only thing I want done is to have the hospital bed in the living room removed and they can do that in the next week or two.  It isn't a big deal.  Since she barely slept in it, a few weeks is all, I have no attachment to it.  The living room will go back into it regular look and that will be good.  I will be here in the house for a few months before I decide what to do.

I miss her already.  I know she couldn't do much at the end, and this summer she really just sat and rested, but I miss her.  I have been missing her for a long time and now she will be gone.  I won't have her sitting next to me at the table where we watch TV anymore.  I will be able to watch TV again, but it hasn't even really been on the last week.  I just don't really care about TV, I haven't in a long time.  It was used to pass the time and now the time is over.

I think I will head for bed shortly.  I leave lights on because I can't sleep in the house by myself in the complete dark.  Mom used to leave her light and the bathroom light on so she could see the last 6 months.  Then it was just her room.  I need a night light.  It is easy getting ready for bed now that I only have me to get ready.  I miss our routine.  I would take her upstairs, we would head to the bathroom where I would change her (it was much easier there than the bedroom), and then I would help her to her room.  We would sit on her bed and chat until she was ready to lay down and go to sleep.  The I would move her legs and she would say, Oh, oh, oh, (because it frightened her, but I had no choice) and then I would move her in the middle of her bed so she would move her legs over the edge and cause a back ache.  She would Oh, oh oh, then too.  I was fast so she wouldn't be scared long.  At the hospital they tell her when they are going to do anything so she knows what is going on.  She doesn't seem to be scared like she was.  She was frightened so much of the time because of the Alzheimer's.  Mom doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

I am grateful for all the time I have with her.  I have had a few days more than I thought I would but this week will be the end because it will be 10 to 14 days without food or drink.  A person can't last any longer than that.  I hope someday my heart becomes whole again.  Right now it is broken into pieces and I can't seem to put them back together.

It has been almost a week now since the beginning of this.  Mom was coughing on her food last Saturday, but was here at home with me.  I called hospice and they said to mix it with ice cream making it a frosty like substance.  Seems like a life time ago.  I have had 6 days to get used to this idea, and most of the time now, I am used to it.  She will never come home here with me again.  Her bed will never be slept in by her again, nor will her clothes be worn by her.  She lies in the hospital very peacefully.  She is sleeping most of the time.  Mom doesn't open her eyes very often, but she can't focus on anything when she does.  There are people there when I am not.  It is a program the hospital has so Mom will have someone with her when I am not.  I am so happy with that program despite the reason why they have that program.  I spoke with Margaret who has sat with Mom several times now.  She is hanging on, I don't know why.  I told her it was okay with all of us to go.  My aunt is waiting for her so is her grandmother.  My heart is breaking but her long, terrible journey of Alzheimer's is gone.  She will no longer be the fragile person she became and while I find comfort in that, my heart is breaking.  It is difficult to sit there with her and watch her barely breathe knowing that she can hear me but can't answer me.  She can't recognize me anymore and that is hard because most of the time she knew who I was so I didn't have to go through the agony of her not knowing me.  I know she will be better off, but despite all these things, my heart is just breaking.  I will be strong for her because she wants me to.  She raised me to be strong, despite being ill.  I will miss her and I miss her now even though I can still see her.  I can still touch her but she can't hug me so I hug (as best as you can with someone who is lying down) hug her.  I tell her how much I love her and how lucky I was that she is my mother.  God knew what he was doing when he gave me to her.  She was the best mother in the world.  The complete best.

I will be heading out to go see Mom shortly.  My cousin and her daughter are on their way.  Mom is still hanging on.  I am trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.  It isn't working.  I can't believe I am here.  I have known all summer Mom was failing and that by fall she might not be here.  I tried to prepare myself as best as possible.  There is no way to be ready for this.  I am learning this too well right now.  I have Tillie and Maia here with me.  Tillie spends the night and Maia spends the day here.  They are a big help.  I got a nice email from Andrew and I just talked to him.  He is in the same shape I am in.  I told him I loved him and that we would get through this together.  Somehow we will.  I just don't know how right now.  I already miss her.

Mom

Mom is hanging on as of tonight.  She was expected to pass last night, but is still with us.  I told her tonight that it was okay to go home.  I told her that her grandmother and sister were waiting for her.  I don't know what she is waiting for but she is waiting for something.

We have everything planned, the service, the viewing, and the luncheon.  She will have a service at our church.  The pastor has been up to see Mom several times.  It is just waiting now.  She has strong vital signs at this point.  There is a niece who coming tomorrow.  She knows she may miss mom, but she will be here for me.  She is heading for vacation on Monday and I don't want her to cancel the vacation.  It will be good to see her again.

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.  I really appreciate them.  I just can't believe we are at that point.  How did this happen so soon?  I was not ready for it.  Mostly, Mom is pain free.  She was in a bit of pain this evening, but they give her some pain medicine and then she fell back asleep.  It seems so unreal.

sad day

It is with such a heavy heart I write this today.  Mom is dying.  As you know, on Sunday she was having problems with swallowing.  She can no longer eat or drink.  We took her to the ER Sunday night.  The hospice nurse came with us.  She was asperating.  The doctors feel even with a feeding tube, she would asperate the food or drink so they won't put one in.  Which I totally understand because she would get pneumonia and that would be rather painful for her.  They say she won't feel any pain, but if she does they have morphine for her.  Her bottom is sore because of the pressure sores so she had some morphine last night.  My Uncle Ken, who we haven't seen in years, came to see her.  I am so glad he did.  His son, Kenny and his daughter, Audrey came with him.  I was so glad to see them.  They stayed for about 2 hours or so, Uncle Ken is very upset by this.  I think he may come again.  I am not sure what Richard is planning to do yet because he didn't believe me when I told him in the morning that this is it.  He thought that she would pull through.  He totally understands now and so he is processing this.  I figure I will call this afternoon to check on him.  Tillie will be here with Maia this afternoon too.  I plan to spend as much time with Mom as possible.  I know I will see her again, it is just that it will be a while.  I am at peace knowing she will be with Jesus and that there is no doubt about.  That being said, I am not ready for her to make a journey like that without me.  These next few weeks will be the hardest I have ever gone through.  I am just blown away by the quickness of all this.  At least, she will not be in pain and doesn't have a clue to what is going on.  I have asked them not to tell her because 1 - she isn't going to remember anyways after a few minutes and 2 - why upset her with those few minutes, she needs to be comfortable and peaceful.  We have had visitors all evening last night which I so appreciate.

Please keep me, Mom, and my family and friends in your prayers.  There are so needed this week.

Quiet Sunday

Rachel is supposed to have a lesson today.  We shall see.  She was supposed to have every other week lessons and she has had 1 lesson since Labor Day weekend.  You can see how I am not very confident in her coming to a lesson.  She is a senior this year and plans to audition to music schools for scholarships.  Well, I am not so sure she will be prepared as she hasn't had a voice lesson in about 8 months.  She had piano lesson last month.  I have picked out her audition material and I hope she likes it because they were rather specific on what they want her to prepare.  The Classical Piece must be from 1900 to today so I picked a John Jacob Niles piece that we started but never finished.  The Italian piece will be from her Italian book and I hope she brings it with her.  The musical theatre piece she can choose from a few that I have picked out.  Then there is competition, well, we need a spiritual piece and a pop piece in addition to the classical and Broadway ones.  You can see why I am a bit stressed over this.  Having every other week lessons boils down to 1 voice lesson a month and 1 piano lesson a month.  Competition is in February and auditions start next month.  I am not so stress about her little sister as she will have 2 lessons a month.  This, of course, is if the come regularly, which they have not yet.  I want her to do well and get scholarships, she is so talented, but it isn't enough.  She has to be prepared and last year at competition, she wasn't totally prepared.  She will be up against more like her, lots of talented people will be audition and she needs scholarships to go to college.  She can't just skate on by like she has been doing.  It isn't enough to have a naturally pretty voice, it just isn't.  You must have good technique and that is her downfall at this point.  We have to work on placement, most of it is good, but that isn't good enough.  I hope to see her this afternoon and we will be working hard.  She should be tired by the time we are finished.

Maggie is also supposed to possibly stop by today.  I don't know what time because she is also visiting her mother.  She may run out of time but that is okay.

Mom is now having trouble swallowing.  It doesn't seem to matter how thick or thin the liquid or food is, she chokes.  I called Hospice because I was getting very worried.  They are sending a nurse out to check her out.  They don't want me to give her anything to drink until the nurse comes.  I have read about this happening but it such a different thing when it happens.  They also want me to keep her sitting up and not lying down so gravity can help her get rid of the cloggy stuff in her throat.  I am so scared that she is at the point she can't eat anymore.  Well, we shall see what the nurse says.  The joys of Alzheimer's.  I seriously hope this is one disease they can totally eliminate of the face of the earth someday.  It won't be in time for mom, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, even my worst enemy, not that I have one, you know what I mean.

Mom is playing with paper again.  I don't mind when she does this because it keeps her mind going and active.  That is important.  It also keeps her very busy folding, unfolding, folding again, unfolding again. Can you just picture this teeny tiny little 5'3", 82 pound lady doing this?  If I know where the camera cord was for the computer I would take a picture of it and post it, as it is, I have no idea where the cord is and the other camera doesn't have a memory card in it.  Someday that will be taking care of, I just don't know when.  It is a cute little camera, it is pink, one of my favorite colors!  If they had had a purple one, I would have totally bought it as purple is my absolute favorite color with pink as a close second.  My old room has a purple rug and yellow walls that coordinated with the drapes and the bedspread.  I had a canopy bed that mom build the frame for until that bed was changed from twin size to full size.  I love my big bed.  I sleep directly in the middle of the bed, no room for anyone or anything else, just me and I love it!

Tomorrow is Canadian Thanksgiving.  As a child, we used to celebrate both Thanksgivings, the Canadian one and the American one.  We would head over to my Grandfather's for the Canadian one and celebrate with all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  It was always fun.  We also would go there for Christmas dinner too.  We did this until my grandmother died when I was 9, then we were on our own for holidays.  We were invited to Tillie's, but with the problems Mom is having, we aren't going to go.  I am just afraid she won't be able to handle the drive.  It is an hour there and an hour back plus now with this swallowing issue?  Oh my!  So we are staying home and relaxing.  The nurse will let me know what to do with Mom so that will be nice.  She was able to take her medication this morning so that is good, but what about this evening?

Anyways, I hope this finds you doing well and having a good day.  I am just waiting for Rachel and her sister, Rebecca.

Oh, I was wrong, I misread the email, it is next week she wants the lesson.  I will get everything ready for her.  I have most of it ready.

saturday - a better day

Today is a much better day for us than the last couple.  Mom finally got up (she was awake but didn't want to move, much to my begging her too) and we got ready just in time for Aggie's lesson at noon.  We were starting to go over her Broadway music when I realized we needed to start Christmas music.  Since she won't be home until the first week of November, we had to get started today.  She picked out both her pieces.  One is a take on First Noel with Pachebel's Canon in D and the other has completely escaped my mind.  Yes, I do remember, Ding Dong Merrily on High.  How can I forget????  Not good!  My other angels will be starting their music rather shortly.  With the beginners, you don't have to start as early as the more advanced students as their music is much shorter that the advanced students.  Calli will be starting her vocal Christmas music this week or next depending on what she would like to do.  She has 2 songs already and will be beginning 2 more pieces for Christmas.  She is such a doll.  Acer will be beginning his after Halloween.  He is so talented that to begin now, he will be bored.  As it is, he will know his sister's music by Christmas too.  I have to break the news to the young man that Frank has taken a break from lessons so he will not be accompanying him on the drums at Christmas.  Maybe he can with Bob or Charlie.  He will be disappointed as am I, but Frank is just overwhelmed with school and marching band right now that he hasn't played the piano in a month.  That is just not Frank.

Tomorrow Maggie is coming over for fun, not for book club (since it isn't book club week).  I am excited about that.  Mom's friend, Jose, is supposed to visit this weekend too.  I am not sure when, but that is okay, we will be home pretty much all weekend long.  Mom is sitting at the dining room table with me and has been for about 3 hours now.  This is the longest she has sat here in a week.  Definitely a better day for the little lady.  She is playing with her favorite toys, the tissue and tissue box.  She folds and unfolds and then refolds the tissues over and over again.  hey, it is a cheap toy that keeps her entertained for hours!  What can go wrong?  She has had a few sips of Ensure and 1/4 of a boost pudding so I am happy about that.  I guess I can't expect more from her because she just can't give it to me.

I tried to call Andrew today but he is either not home or not answering his phone.  He does this a lot.  He changed his email and I don't know what it is now.  I don't know if he got my message from face book or not since he didn't answer it.  Both brothers are horrible about answering stuff.  I have just learned to accept it.  I just talked to Andrew, he gave me his new email address and I sent him an update.  I hope it doesn't shock him.  It can be rather shocking to realize that mom is very close to death.

I also wanted to thank Missy S.  She wrote a post a few days ago about her Grandfather and his experience with Alzheimer's.  It made me feel good to know that others have gone through this too.  It is one horrible disease, although I can't say I know of any good disease in this world.  It was a very touching post about his last days.

Anyways, I hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  It is so beautiful out here, we were out for a brief period going to and from the car!  Mom didn't even complain she was cold so she must have been warm enough for a change!  We have the front door open to let the sunshine in!  Happy Saturday to you!!

great news!

I know I already posted for the day, however, I just got some great news!  My uncle Ken is coming to see Mom.  I messaged my cousin, Audrey a week or so ago, not knowing my Uncle would be in town, letting him know the condition Mom is in.  She told him all about Mom and the up to date info on Mom.  Well, she let me know she told him and a few days later he said he wanted to see Mom.  I am very excited about this because we haven't seen him in years.  I mean, he lives really far away from us in the British Columbia near Vancouver somewhere.  I am not even sure where.  So it is great he wants to come.  Mom was excited when I told her.  No, I don't expect her to remember, but it is nice she is excited when I told her.

busy day for the little Mom

Today is an unusual day for us as we will have 3 different visitors, all for mom.  First the nurse will be here.  I don't think there is an residual effects of yesterdays tumble, but she is getting checked just in case.  Also, they need to look at her sores on her tailbone.  Poor thing.  That has got to hurt.  They are coming with a plan of action for her.  Also, today is bath day so Mom will have her bath as usual.  She is still sleeping right now.  She was awake earlier today, but has since fallen back asleep.  I am certainly not going to wake her unless absolutely necessary and it isn't right now.  Then between 3 and 5, the foot doctor will be here to trim the toes and look at a bump on one of them.  I don't think it hurts her, but who knows at this point because she doesn't always know when she is in pain.  Sometimes she doesn't know until someone touches it.  I can hear her from in her, sounds like she might be getting a cold.  Oops, just a minute she is awake now.  She doesn't want to get up yet.  I am waiting for the nurse before I get her up.  The home health care aide will be here in an hour.  I just changed the angle of the bed for her.  She will probably go back to sleep.  She hasn't been very ambitious lately in wanting to get up and get going anywhere.  Sucks for me, since I don't like being stuck in the house, but hey, what can I do?  I have to do what is right for her right now.

I could fall asleep right now again too.  Maybe I will go into the living room and sleep for a bit.  I am so tired this morning too.  We got our flu shots yesterday and my nose is a bit stuffy today.  I don't think from the shot, it's the weather, as I get this frequently all winter long especially when it gets colder and then warmer like it has the last few days.  I am also very cold this morning in our house and it isn't cold!  I mean temperature wise it is 73 degrees, yet I am freezing.  Not good signs.  I will take something to see if I can head off a cold, I certainly don't want or need one and neither does Mom.

I will be fixing a pair of jeans today, I think.  I have had them for a few weeks to fix and just haven't gotten to them yet.  Mostly it is because I totally forget about them.  yeah, not good.  I will have them done by the weekend.  It isn't like I can deliver them right now anyway.  Today is too busy for us to plan on going anywhere.  i don't even know if my machine will sew through the jean material, but I will try.  

Not much planned for the weekend.  Right now we don't do a whole lot because Mom is really weak and getting weaker by the day.  She drinks on average now, 1/2 to a full Ensure a day and that is not enough for a body to live on very long.  I have been meaning to ask how long she can survive on this little bit, but I forget when the nurse is here working with her.

Time to give Mom her medicine and she if she is ready to get up.  I hope you are having a great day!

Sleepy Thursday

I had the follow up appointment with the doctor about the Urinary Tract Infection.  I am infection free again.  I was supposed to have a volunteer from Hospice come and stay with Mom but they never showed up so I had to take Mom with me.  Most of it was fine, except as we left the doctor's office she almost fell.  A nice patient brought the wheelchair for her so I could wheel her to the car.  Then she wouldn't get into the car.  Nope, not one bit was she getting into the car.  Every so often she does this to me.  I don't know why, but she does.  So what did I do?  I pretty much pushed her butt on the seat and moved her legs over so she would be sitting in the car.  She hollered oh oh oh the entire time, but I got her in so we could go home.  She doesn't understand that there are times you have to get into a car, no matter if you want to or not.  We then went to the drive through of Panera on our way home and I got me a nice soup and salad for lunch, as I was starving.  I got her out of the car without any problem until we got to the stairs to get into the house.  There, we had a bit of a problem.  She fell.  This time she didn't just wobble, she actually fell.  I don't think she actually hurt herself except maybe the wrist I was holding, but she landed with a thud on her bottom on the cement porch.  I called the nurse to let her know Mom fell.  She said to ice the wrist and she would see Mom tomorrow between 12 and 1pm.  That works really well.  I will get up at 11:30 and then get Mom up so we will be ready.

Not too much happening today now.  I fell asleep for 3 hours after the doctor's appointment.  I am just so exhausted these days.  Staying awake in the afternoon is becoming very difficult for me.  I did sleep better last night.  Unfortunately, I broke the chain that was at the top of the door.  Oops.  I will just bring the gate and close it off from Mom, this way she can't get through even if she wanted to.  She hasn't tried to get out of her bed at all which is good.  I will put it right near the door so if the door is open, it will crash into the gate, waking me up.  I also leave a light on for Mom so she isn't in complete darkness.  She gets very afraid of the dark now just like a child does.  I know when I went into bed I felt much better about leaving her downstairs than I had earlier in the week.  When I checked her tailbone this morning, it wasn't bleeding like it did yesterday when I got her up, so I did do the right thing by leaving her in the bed.  She was pretty much in there all day yesterday.  She just didn't want to get up.  today I have her sitting on the sofa.  I will bring her in here with me in a little bit.  I like her to sit with me for a time in the evening so she can watch some TV if she wants.  She doesn't have too, but if she wants to she can.  There is no TV in the living room, nor do I want one in there.  I have had it offered before to move the TV, but I don't want it moved.  Plain and simple.  I just want it in the kitchen where it is.  I like to work on the computer while I watch TV.  I am almost always doing something with my hands while I watch TV otherwise they go crazy.

I emailed the update to Richard yesterday.  I am still slightly miffed at him over his comments about what I will do when Mom is gone.  No one is more aware than me that I will not have a home after Mom goes.  No, I don't know what I will do.  I get disability and teach about 6 lessons a week (3 are scholarship) and that doesn't come to a lot.  I am more than aware that my monthly expenses for an apartment will quickly out do my monthly income.  I have thought and prayed about it.  I don't know how it will work out, but somehow it always does.  I had thought of getting a roommate or two, which would help us keep the house going.  I will look into my options at that time because you can't until you are there.  So I am up for suggestions, but right now my main focus has to be on Mom.  Bottom line, she needs me to be working with her everyday.  She needs my attention especially getting up and going to bed.  During the day, she doesn't need me as much unless she is going to walk somewhere but I do have to remind her to drink her Ensure.  That is my main concern right now.

I hope you are having a great day and are enjoying this beautiful fall weather!

oopsie!

So, I took Mom upstairs to her bedroom to sleep last night.  I still didn't get enough sleep.  I think I was awake until about 5 am.  That wasn't the best idea because the pressure sores were bleeding this morning, something they haven't really done on the air bed.  Mom is laying down right now on it, sleeping.  She is very exhausted today.  I think because yesterday was such a good day and I had her do too much this early afternoon.  Oops!  I won't do that again that is for sure.  I am almost ready for my nap too.  This sleep pattern has got to improve, it really sucks right now.  I am so tired but I can't sleep for more than an hour at a time until about 5 am.  Bad nightmares go through my head at times.  We live in a safe neighborhood and there hasn't been a house break in in years, yet, I have been having nightmares about it that I can't sleep between the hours 2 am to 5 am.  It really stinks.  This has been happening since last week when Mom first slept downstairs.  I mean really, if an intruder tried to get into our house, he/she would trip on all the stuff we got near the doors.  I blocked the garage door with our recycle bins (they can be moved in case of an emergency real easy) and the back door is blocked too.  The front door has an extra chain on it so Mom doesn't go out.  This is really getting out of hand on me.

Not too much going on today.  Mom had her bath, and like I said, is now resting in the hospital bed.  I am heading in there soon.  I don't have any lessons on Wednesday unless it is a makeup so it makes for a dull day.  I paid a few bills yesterday so that is now taken care of, thank goodness.  I put a load of laundry in.  Naturally I wait until I am on my last pair of clean undies before I do a load.  Can't stay ahead can I?  Actually, ever since Calli helped me carry all the dirty laundry downstairs and Tillie helped me do it all, I have managed to stay on top of it.  I was just tired this week so I didn't do it until today.  I will put another load in after this one is empty and then i will be up to date.

This month is Meet the Blind month.  Let me tell you, I know two children, who happen to be blind, that are absolutely amazing and they will be anything they want to be.  They are fearless, and adventurous, and simply wonderful.  I can't go on and on enough of how awesome these two children are.  To me, they are simply remarkable and they have such wonderful parents.  Basically, the parents every child should have.  They type that instill good self esteem and values while encouraging the children to do what they want and not hold back.  I wish I was more like them, but I am timid in new situations and I get scared very easily at times.  They are teaching me so much more than I can express.  Teaching them piano and voice is such a fun time for us.  They are both so musically talented and excited about learning in general.  All my students simply will love them, and the ones that do know them, already love them.  One of my older girls, Katie, can't wait to meet them.  She is trying to figure out how she can meet them before the Christmas Concert.  I have the most amazing students.  I simply love them all.  I just wish I had more of them.

tuesday a better day

It is definitely a better day today.  Mom finished one ensure at lunch/breakfast and is working on the 2nd one.  She so needs the protein.  I wish there was a protein pill because I would so give it to her.  It would heal her pressure sores in an instant.  She hasn't had them last this long ever.  it is going on 3 weeks now.  I know it is the protein that heals them.  The nurse is looking at what else to do for her.  I don't know that there really is anything to do for her.  The nurse is not really happy about the bed situation.  She likes Mom sleeping on the special hospital bed, but not that I am so far away from her and she is close to the door.  I don't think Mom can get over the rails and she sleeps in one position all night long but still there is that small chance she would figure out the door and go out it.  Tonight I am going to try to take her upstairs to bed.  This way I can gate her in.  If she can't, then I will put her in the living room.  She should be strong enough tonight for it as she is having a really good day.  The past few days have been very hard on her, she was so weak, I don't know why.  She couldn't walk, she couldn't eat, she couldn't do anything.  Now she is her normal, well, somewhat normal, self.

If she stays like this we can go to my cousin's for the Canadian Thanksgiving and to my Uncle's in a couple of weeks.  How cool would that be?  I will be bringing the food thickener though with me.

Mom is also getting to the point of pureed food.  Doesn't sound that tasty to me, but if that is what I need to do, I will.  My friend, Jen, told me how to do it.  She used to make it for her kids when they were small.  I have to find our blender/food processor, as I haven't seen it in a few years.  I think it is over the fridge in a cabinet there.  Dumb place for a cabinet, let me tell you.  No one can reach up there.

The pelvic pain is slowly going away, thank God for that!  I was able to sleep a bit better last night for a change, and hope to again tonight, especially since I am moving Mom back upstairs tonight.  I will sleep much better with her up those stairs in the room next to me.  I have a bit of more of a headache than usual, but who knows why.

I meant to bring out one of my Christmas crafts, but I always say, in a minute, and that minute hasn't come yet.  I do hope to start something this week.  I also have a pair of jeans to fix for my friend, and a skirt to finish for Natalie.  The procrastinator in me!  Not good.  I have been taking naps in the afternoon because I have been extra tired lately.  I am not sure why except maybe less sleep at night.  I don't know.  We are hanging in here at this house.  I am hoping to see Richard soon, but he hasn't mentioned coming to see us since summer.  I am afraid because he is waiting, it may get to be too late but, when you are working contract work because there is no full time job, you have to take the work when you get it.  So I do understand, it is just that Alzheimer's doesn't understand and is robbing Mom more and more of herself everyday.

I do hope you are enjoying fall.  We are, this weather is so much nicer than the hot summer.  It really is for me.  I am not looking forward to snow though, that I can skip except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

lots of lessons day!

I had 4 lessons today, all piano.  We have officially started with Christmas music.  We had to start with the girls because they only have lessons once a month, so we can't wait until November when the concert is in December.  Hannah and Natalie are playing regular sheet music now, instead of easy piano.  They have moved up into the world!  Natalie was a little nervous I think with her one piece because it's a lot of notes to play at one time, but I think she will be just fine.  Lydia picked her songs too.  Because she has more trouble learning pieces than her sisters, she is doing easy piano music.  It is a bit too easy for her, but the next level is too hard at this point.  Bob started with Christmas last week.  It seems weird to be playing Christmas music and it isn't even Halloween yet!  Hey, you have to start early if you want students to play well in the concert and I do!  Calli and Acer are absent today, but I am not starting them on Christmas until the end of the month.  They don't need as much time to practice for the concert as the older ones do.  However, we will be starting before Halloween with them too.  Frank will be starting this week too.  Katie will start hers at her next lesson.  So all in all, everyone is starting their Christmas music.  It is very festive during lessons right now.

Mom is resting in the living room right now.  I had to get up early for my girls lessons and she didn't want to get up, so hey, I let her sleep.  Carolyn came over and she stayed with Mom and when Sylvia arrived to give Mom her bath, Carolyn's Mom came up too.  She wanted to meet Sylvia which is totally understandable as Carolyn had never met her before and was a bit worried about letting a stranger in the house.  Sylvia was just finishing up when I arrived home.  Mom was still in bed but we got her up to sit in the living room so she would be comfy for a while.  I really didn't want her laying down all day.  She needs to sit up sometimes too.  I don't push Mom getting up right now.  If she wants to stay in bed, I let her.  She is very tired all the time.  Tomorrow we get to sleep in!  I am so glad.  It seems the last few nights I have been awake on and off all night long.  I swear I saw the clock almost every hour until 5 am this morning.  It is getting rather annoying and it is the pelvic pain that is keeping me up.  At 5 am I came down the stairs to get some more pain medicine and decided to give the new stuff a second try.  Well, let me tell you, it worked because the next time I saw the clock, it was 10:00 am.  So yeah!  I plan to take that stuff again tonight.  It really helped the pain.  I could sleep without feeling any pain in that area.  So that was extremely exciting to me.  I don't know how tired it makes me so I haven't taken any yet today but it is almost time for more pain medicine so I am going to try it again.

It is nice and sunny out today unlike yesterday with the rain.  We didn't have time to go to Timmy's today.  I am not sure if we will go tomorrow or not.  All depends on Mom.  I may take a run up there while she is sleeping but I am not sure.  I don't really like doing that.  If we go I will bring her ensure with me and not get her a milk.  She needs the ensure more now than the milk because she only drinks about 1 a day.  Not much nutrition for her but according to the hospice book, it is normal.  Doesn't seem right to me, but her body is telling her it doesn't need much so she doesn't drink much.  She was coughing a bit today and it sounded like a bit of congestion.  I am hoping it isn't because she doesn't need to get sick, that could be the end of her then.  The hospice book did say though that sometimes they do get fluid in the lungs at the end.  So you can totally see why I DON'T want her to have any congestion.  I want her to last to after Christmas so I can really make a good one for her.  The Muglia girls are going to help me decorate the living room and dining room.  I am not sure where I will put the tree, but we will find a good place for it.  I am just asking for a few more months, that isn't too much is it?

One lesson tomorrow and then one on Thursday and then that is it for the week.  I hope this finds you doing well and having a great day!  It has been a good one so far here.

Lazy Sunday!

It has been a very lazy day for me here.  I got up and got dressed around 11:30 am.  I talked on the phone for a bit then went and taught 1 lesson before I got Mom up.  She didn't want to get up at that point so I didn't make her.  After Katie's lesson I got Mom up.  It was very tiring for the two of us.  It is a long walk to the other bathroom to get her ready.  I am going to try a new way tonight in the living room getting her undressed and ready for bed.  We DID go to Tim Horton's today.  It was the first time we went together since I was in the hospital Wednesday evening.  It totally wiped her out so it wasn't the usual fun time.  I think next time I will use the wheelchair.  I can put the wheelchair at the bottom of the steps, walk her out the door and down the steps and then put her in.  Then I can wheel her to the car.  Once we get where we are going, I can put her back into the wheelchair and take her in.  It shouldn't tire her out so much that way nor should it tire me so much.  I literally slept for 4 1/2 hours this afternoon, I was that tired.  Mom is still in the living room.  She is in some pain and doesn't want to move.  I tried to get her to come to the dining room but she just hurts to much so I left her in there.  She has had 1/3 of an ensure today.  I will be making some chicken for her shortly when I make me something to eat too.  I hope she eats some of it.  I will just feed her in the living room.

I think I am going to get an air mattress for me to sleep on in the living room because it is very difficult for me to sleep that far away from her.  If she should need me in the middle of the night, I won't hear her because 1 - I am far away upstairs in the furthest from the stairs bedroom and 2 - I am partially deaf.  So between those two issues, I think that might make me feel better about her sleeping downstairs away from me.

I wish we were able to go to my Uncle's yesterday because my cousin, Billy, was there and I haven't seen him in a few years.  He is really nice and a good cousin.  My other cousin, Nicole, and her family were there too and I really like her too.  Actually, I like most of my cousins, they are good friends as well as family members.  They are very helpful.  I love them all so much.  I don't know if Mom will be able to make that long trip again, but we can see.  I have a wheelchair and I can use it for her.  She also has a walker that she can use.  It is so hard to watch a once, very vibrant person become so weak and frail.  Mom was such a go getter that I wish you could have seen her.  But I am thankful she is still here for now.

The pelvic pain is minimum now.  It still hurts, but not like it did.  I am taking some pain medicine to take care of it and it helps, but doesn't eliminate the pain totally.  Because of the antibiotics, I am afraid to take my blood thinner medication because they don't react well together.  I will be taking them again after the antibiotics are finished, which should be by Wednesday or Thursday.  I only have the usual headache today although when we were eating lunch I had pain in my neck and upper back but I know that was from leading and helping Mom walk.

I got Christmas music out for the Muglia girls tonight.  Since they have lessons only 1 time a month, I felt we needed to start now and not wait until November's lesson.  I want them to be prepared for the Christmas Concert.  I should know the date shortly.  Heather B-T is taking care of that for me.  I am happy to have the help.  I am pretty flexible on the date.  I did give her my order of choices, but in reality, whenever we are able to get the church works for me.

Tomorrow will be a bit busy for me, but I look forward to it.  It is hard for me at times to fill my day up with enough to do.  I never know what I will be up for either, which makes it even harder.  I have a few less students than I have ever had so that is hard too.  If I had some more, it would be good.  I would have things to do and students to teach.  Blasted economy!  It is hard on people in general and very hard on me as I am a luxury item.  I am the first to go.  But, I know God is in control and he has a plan for me.  I don't know what it is yet, but I am waiting to find out.

I hope this finds you doing well.  We are, overall, doing okay in the house.  Mom is getting a bit stronger, but not too much.  We can't expect miracles with this illness, that is for sure but for her to hang on a bit longer is good.

magazine!

Don't forget to check out the FM Aware magazine from the national association!

www.fmaware.org.

It has great resources and articles for our information and enjoyment.

october is finally here with nicer weather!

It is so nice outside today.  Definitely my type of day, except for the rain.  It isn't raining right now, so I am happy about that, but it did rain earlier in the morning.  Mom is doing a bit better nutrition wise today than she has the last few days.  She downed a full ensure bottle in 15 minutes this afternoon when I got her up.  I didn't get her up until about 1 pm because she didn't want to get up.  She can't walk very well but I am hoping it will improve with the added nutrition.  We were supposed to go to my Uncle's today, but I didn't think she could handle the drive and she can't walk well.  She is sitting up much straighter now and isn't leaning to the left as much as she was yesterday.  Yesterday she was bent way over and leaning to the left really bad.  It was frightening because she was so weak she couldn't hold herself up right.  Today she is better, especially after downing the ensure.  I am hopeful we can get another one down her today.  That is my goal, and maybe with a boost pudding later too.  Possibly even with some dinner!  Now that would make my day, completely make my day!

The pain is getting much better, it only hurts a small amount now so yeah for that!  The pain medicine is starting to really help the pain as it gets much better.  I never want to go through anything like this again.  Never!

Not much is going on today.  I am going to venture into our dungeon (the family room) to pull out a Christmas ornament craft to begin on.  I am not sure.  I think because she is doing so well I will try to put in a movie to watch.  Right now she isn't tired so I won't put her in the living room for a nap, but maybe will need to later.  We shall see.  Right now I want to really just spend some time with her even if we are just sitting next to each other in the dining room.

I hope you are enjoying the nice fall weather.  It is so beautiful out, weather wise, compared to what it was a month ago.  I am so glad to see October.  It is a happy month in this house, even though I don't really like Halloween.  Don't know why, just don't like it as much as Christmas.  Love the Christmas season, simply love every bit of it, even the annoying shoppers can't get me down!  I will begin to purchase Christmas presents this month so I will have enough money to pay for the presents.  If I don't start now, then no one will get anything.  I don't know what to get Mom because she is in such bad condition, there is a new Tinkerbell movie out and she loves Tinkerbell, so maybe that.  We'll see!

Have a great afternoon!

Friday!

The pelvic pain has been cured, well, sort of since it still hurts, but not as bad as it did.  It turned out to be an abscess on me.  It was very painful to do anything, and well, Wednesday did it for me.  After practically crying most of the day from the pain, I went to the ER.  Now I felt rather weird about this because it wasn't truly an emergency and that is what emergency room means.  However, it turned out to be the best thing because the ultrasound wouldn't have picked it up.  It would have missed it all.  So, I would still be in pain and not knowing what was wrong.  They pricked and drained it.  Supposedly they numbed the area.  Okay, but it still hurt and I was petrified.  Simply scared to death.  I am supposed to sit and soak everyday 3 to 4 times a day but I have to get the sit bath basin to do it.  I will be getting that this afternoon.  Somehow I have to keep that area completely clean, a challenge but with the soakings that should help.  The doctor did say I would ache like crazy yesterday but today would be better and it is.  Not good enough for me, but better.  I hope it is even better tomorrow because, quite frankly, 2 weeks of this torture is enough.  I did learn that had I had this diagnosed earlier, like last week, I could have saved myself not only some pain, but they could have given me medicine and it would have drained itself.  But no, I was embarrassed and upset and look what happened.

The old hospital bed is gone and the new one is in its place.  I still don't like the idea of Mom down here away from me at night, but she is so weak now.  She had a really hard time walking this morning and we have to go to the store.  (I am waiting to see if the girl down the street can come and stay with her for a few while I go)  She nearly fell 2 times walking to the bathroom on this level.  It is a further walk in the morning for her and the bathroom is smaller but what can we do?  I can't afford to bust out a wall and make it a good size bathroom.  In this new bed she only needs one pillow as her head was completely off the pillows when I came down this morning.  Not a good thing for her.  I guess the pillows were too high.  I also think they aren't her pillows but I can't find hers.  It is really upsetting me but what can I do? I can't find them.  Maybe they just look different on this bed.  I am going to wait another 1/2 hour and then we are going to have to go to the store.  I need to soak today with this basin.  Not that I want to, but I have to.  I need to keep the area clean.

So far, it has been a pretty good day overall.  Mom had her bath and now she looks nice and spiffy.  Although she looks very tired and weak.  She had about 1/4 of a Ensure yesterday and that was it.  So far today she has drank 1/2 of one.  I am trying to get 2 down her today plus some chicken.  I pray it works.  I don't need her going down farther.  She is going down fast enough.

My head is more sore than usual.  Probably trying to recover from staying on a stretcher for the last day and a half.   My back is better because it was really getting sore too from the same thing and well, I could only lay on my back because of the pain.  I am a side sleeper.  On my back I sometimes stop breathing and it also hurts it if I lay to long on it.  I do hope the pain pills work for me.  They wanted to give me vicodin at the hospital.  I am allergic to vicodin, I told the doctor that I get really bad headaches from it and she still wanted to give me it.  Why would I take something that makes my head hurt really bad?  I also am allergic to codeine.  Another alternative was Tylenol 3 which has codeine in it.  Where on earth was the doctor's head?  I get bad headaches from each of them.  I am not going to take them.  Those were my only 2 options so I had to take no option.  I simply refused to take either as they both make me ache more.  I know there is more than that option available, just think a bit about it.  Really, sometimes doctors make absolutely no sense.

It is beautiful out and we will be heading out soon to get my basin.  I think I will just go to the pharmacy right up the street instead of Walmart where we usually go.  I hope you have beautiful weather too.