1st of December

Hard to believe that December is here.  I think I have read that a lot today and it is true!  These last 6 1/2 weeks have been in a daze with some moments of clarity.  I miss mom a lot, but sometimes she seems like a dream I had.  I do know I had her because I wouldn't be here without her, but sometimes is seems so far away since I last saw her.  I want her back, I didn't want her to go, but I believe it was her time.  I am glad she didn't suffer, although I don't understand how because she had no food or drink for 9 days but I have been assured she didn't suffer at all with that.  She was in some pain occasionally which they took care of, not always as quickly as I would have liked, but it was taken care of.  I can still see her lying in that bed in the hospital.  I think a part of me always will as that was the last time I saw her.  She looked so small and tiny in that bed, but she was peacefully sleeping most of the time.

This month will have a bittersweet taste to me, I think, because Mom loved December and all the joy of Christmas.  At first, I didn't want to decorate at all and then i thought, that isn't very good because Mom would want me to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  So I am decorating, perhaps not as wildly as I would have with the little lady here, but Lily, Julie, and I are going to do some.  It will be good because the house will look festive for the season.

I haven't heard from Richard about the holidays so I don't really know what is going on with that.  I have made alternative plans if necessary.  I have places to go if I don't go out west, although I really want to go.  I miss my brother a lot.  I miss Andrew too, but I see him about once a month whereas Richard I don't.  First time I saw him in 2 1/2 years was at Momma's funeral and it wasn't like we could be happy about that.  We chatted, true, I got to hug him, true, but it isn't the same and I haven't seen his family in 2 1/2 years.  That hurts me because I am rather attached to his children.  I simply adore them.

I went to the lawyer's today and got some answers to some questions.  I also have some more paperwork to turn in.  Ugh, I thought I had it all but I don't.  Oops.  I also have to remember to go to Secretary of State to take care of the title to my car before I fax it too them.  I now own it as I paid it off last summer and the title needs to reflect that.  I will be able to keep the house and not turn it in to the bankruptcy so that is a relief.  That bill will not be discharged, but that is okay by me, I keep the house, the important thing.

Things are beginning to smooth out for me.  I have the webinar tonight with the new teaching company. I do hope I get a lot of students.  I understand they are cautious at first, but I need the students, not just for the money either, for the time it will spend and it is what I love to do.  I love teaching.  I think I am going to look into writing too.  I am not sure.  I have some things starting to go around in my head that might be good.  I don't know.  Right now, my head swims most of the time with worries and panics, at least I have not had a panic attack since Mom died.  I actually have not had one for about a year now so I am doing well with that.

It is snowing today and looking pretty (because it isn't sticking to the ground, it is just flurries).  It is also cold here.  I am actually cold right now.  I need to go get my hoodie and put it on so I won't be chilled.  I have a sweatshirt on but I am still cold.  Pain level is normal, my head is a bit more painful than normal but I think a pain pill will take care of that.

I hope you are having a good day.