Saturday, April 30, 2011

what a day

I got up early to go to Irwin's funeral Mass.  I sat with the Hubels, friends and neighbors.  Rosemary was holding up pretty well.  It was a nice service with nice music.  The one thing I do like about the Catholic Mass is how much music is involved even in prayers.  Being Methodist, we have our hymns and praise music, but we don't sing prayers and I thought that was pretty cool.  I have only attend a couple of Mass services in my life so it is always a surprise for me.  I did tear up a bit which I expected as Irv was a good friend to Mom and I.  I sat with an old friend from High School at the luncheon.  I didn't even know she was there.  Her name was Julie Hoffman Moses, she married a classmate of ours too.  I asked her if she was going to the reunion and she didn't know anything about it so I told her as much as I could.  I gave her my email address so hopefully she will email me and be able to attend the reunion.  I have my ticket.  My friend, Laura, gave it to me as I can't afford the ticket price.  With limited income, I just didn't see how I could afford it now that I am on my own, so I inquired about lower price tickets for people like me and she had an extra ticket so she gave it to me.  I am so thankful for that.  I am looking forward to it.

Anyways, it was really nice to catch up with Julie as I haven't seen her since graduation although we used to live a street away from each other.  I also sat with the Hubels.  They are such a nice and neighborly family.  When I needed someone to stay with the little Mom while I went grocery shopping, their daughter Carolyn came to stay with Mom.  Mom liked her.  Sometimes Carolyn could even get Mom to finish an ensure!  Those were good days for sure.  I sorely miss her so much.  I expected the funeral to be a bit harder, but outside of Julie's parents telling me they were sorry to hear about Mom, I did pretty well.

This afternoon I was thinking about funerals in general.  You know as a Christian, I am supposed to be happy that a person is home with God.  All the scripture says so (the ones they read at both Mom's and Irv's funerals).  We are supposed to rejoice that they have been called home.  Yet, they are the saddest things ever.  How can we rejoice and be sad at the same time.  On one hand, I am so glad Mom is not in any pain and doesn't have Alzheimer's anymore, but on the other hand, I have never been so sad in my life.  This sadness surpasses even when I was a teenager and thought the world was a horrible place.  I am trying to be happy that Mom is in a better place, she is with God and what could be better than that for her?  Nothing, but for me, it is the worst thing that EVER happened to me.  Selfishly, I want Mom with me, despite her Alzheimer's and I know that is not best for her but it would be good for me.  It makes me feel bad because I want her back and I know that she was not doing well at the end, but I still want her back.  Yes, I am aware that it won't happen, but it doesn't mean that I don't want her back.  I know that is selfish, but sometimes I can't help being selfish.  It isn't all the time, just most of it.  How can I settle the selfish part of me to be happy she is with God?  I have no idea.  I just know that I miss her more now than I did when she first passed away.  I think it is because when it first happened, I had family all around me so it wasn't like it was real, then when they went home it became real.  Now I have been alone for about 4 months now and it is so real.  Before, it was like a dream.  If I closed my eyes I could see her and talk to her.  Tillie was here, Maia was here, Richard was here, Cathy was here, and Kathy was here, now it is just me.  I don't mind it so much.  I like living in the house even though I am alone.  I am not as scared as I was when I lost mom, I no longer want to live with Richard out of fear.  I would like to see him more, but he lives so far away from me.  I know I can pay my bills and stuff so I am not as scared as I was.  I do still get nervous by the end of the month if there are any bills left over, like there are a couple this month but they will get paid.

Overall, I think I am doing pretty well, despite being so sad most of the time.  I am enjoying teaching and being with my friends when I am.  Teaching is going well despite the fact the a lot of the students from the new company don't last.  This is a problem I have never had, but I live farther away than I guess the students' and the student's parents realize.  That is okay though, I am doing okay.

I hope this finds you doing well and enjoying the last day of April!  Tomorrow is May Day, one of Mom and I's favorite day.

1 comment:

  1. I think I understand how you are feeling right now. It's very hard, but know you are not alone in this and it will, I promise, get easier.