Mom's birthday

Today is Momma's 77th birthday.  It is the first one I have every celebrated without her.  i don't think since I was born there has been a birthday of hers I have missed.  It has been a rough day, I would have to say.  Tears here and there.  I wish she were here.  I do realize she is better off since she doesn't have Alzheimer's anymore, but I still miss her terribly.  Last year we had two birthday parties for her.  The reason for the two is that I originally only planned one, but our friends couldn't come to the first one because most of them didn't have passports.  Well, because so many of them couldn't come I decided to have a separate party just for friends at our house.  It was a good choice.  We had the family party.  It was an open house but everyone stayed for pretty much the entire thing.  I was happy that almost the entire family was there and I know Mom was happy to see them.  She didn't speak much to them but that is normal for Mom, she just smiled and smiled which made me very happy.  She got some nice things too from the family.  The following Saturday, we had the cake and ice cream party for our friends.  Oh my, the living room was so full of our friends and neighbors it was unbelievable.  That made both me and Mom smile too.  It was such a nice time.  Mom got a lot of nice cards and gifts.  The cards she would read over and over for the next few weeks.  It was like a nice surprise for her every time she picked one up.  I left the cards on the dining room table for her to find and read for a few weeks before I put them up in her room.  She liked looking at them in her room.

When I look back at the last year, sometimes I just can't believe a year has past.  She was doing okay at this point a year ago.  Her eating had become an issue at this point as she barely ate at all but she was drinking 3 to 4 ensures a day so she was getting enough nutrition.  She could walk by herself although she preferred to hold my hand for guidance.  Then she knew she was going in the proper direction.  She could feed herself and dress herself at this point too.  The only thing I did was to hand her her pants so that they would go on right.  She also still helped me get dressed at this point.  I also thought we had years left with her at this time last year.  She was only in stage 4.  Mom was pretty independent last March.  I had only an inkling of knowing this could be it.  I wish we could go back in time because I want to be with her.  I most of the time liked being with her all day and night.  We still played some games then.  It wasn't until May that she flew through stages 5 through 6 and ended at the beginning of stage 7.  She smiled and laughed a lot last year at this time.  All I would have to say is, where's that pretty Mom's smile and she would smile.  I also got pictures taken of her last March.  Boy, am I glad I did.  I had no idea that those would be the last professional pictures ever taken of her.  I had no idea at all.  I am glad she let me get them down.  The day we went, she was all, I don't want my picture taken.  So I told her I already made the appointment but if she still didn't want them taken when we got there we wouldn't do it.  Naturally, she forgot she didn't want her picture taken and when the photographer asked if she was the one getting her picture taken she said yes and let her take the pictures.  I think they turned out very nicely.  Pretty much all of the family and a few close friends got a picture of her.  I still have Richard's copy here at the house. but I sent him a copy by email.  I do wonder how my brothers are doing today.  Sometimes I am fine and others I am in tears.  I would say it is mostly a tears day.  I suppose it will get easier.  It doesn't seem like it to me, but I suppose I will get used to this.

I hope you are having a better day than me.  I am just very sad today.